Things that have influenced my work as an artist since the day I picked up a camera:
cinema
music
my mental health
And writing
My whole life I have been enthralled with movies and music. Those were two things I knew I could watch or listen and feel seen. Feel like finally someone gets it. The first time I heard Florence + the Machine’s Never Let Me Go I sat on the floor and sobbed because finally someone put to words what was inside my head. Not a lot of people know why Florence is such an important part of my life. But I have loved her since I was 14 because then and now she gives me that feeling of “yes finally someone gets it”.
Writing, despite thinking I’m not very good at it, has been a part of my life since I can remember. Started as writing short stories as a child to now jotting down my thoughts into the notes app of my phone. Now I find writing how I feel much easier than speaking it. As a matter of fact I prefer it.
My mental health. The big elephant in the room and a constant in my work since I ever picked up a camera. My camera was an outlet to something I didn’t understand. It was my first therapist and continues to allow me to work through the cogs in my brain that don’t quite fire correctly. It is the oil in the rusty machine. It’s the match that starts the fire. My camera allowed not only myself, but others to be seen. It allowed someone to feel the same way I felt, “finally someone gets it.”
I’ve been creating “Thoughts from the notes app” for probably a year now. Trying to figure out what it’s supposed to look like. Feel like. And I think this is it. A feeling of this could a still from a film. A feeling of this could be a lyric from a song.
How much is art really worth, when the very thing your best at seems to hurt the most
Clips in order:
Now, Voyager
Moonstruck
Fleabag
Blue Jay
Girl, Interrupted
Carol
Music: Notwithstanding - Innesti
***I obviously do not own the rights to the film clips or music nor do I claim to***
Pieces of journal entries from 2019
“I picked up my camera for the first time in probably half a year last week.”
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January 21, 2019. 10:00 PM.
“I realized in the second viewing I am imagining myself as Therese. I guess I envy her character in a way. Maybe it’s just true love I’m infatuated with and not necessarily gender.”
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January 26, 2019. 2:00 AM.
"It will at least give me some sort of something tangible"
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January 28, 2019. 1:35 PM.
“The letter felt like a turning point. Two hours later I was offered the job.”
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February 2, 2019. 9:49 PM.
“ ‘A life without passion is a life half lived’ - Cate Blanchett”
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February 5, 2019. 10:26 PM.
"The song came on and I burst into tears. It's like my heart hurts.
Maybe it's just my stupid over emotional brain that attaches to anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention. Loving myself has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done."
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February 25, 2019. 12:24 AM.
(Music is Benjamin and Daisy by Alexandre Desplat)
“Glad it’s over.”
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March 25, 2019. 10:04 PM.
“I truly feel like there is something more out there for me. Sometimes I feel I could rip out of my own skin.”
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April 5, 2019. 7:24 PM.
“I thought this was it, this was the one… guess not.”
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April 12, 2019. 10:21 PM.
“They told me to slow down but, don’t they know I’m a forest fire.”
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April 18, 2019. 12:30 AM.
“I vow to stop chasing, to stop pursuing, and just let it be.”
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May 2, 2019. 1:32 AM.
“The bruise on my leg he left is being faded by kisses 1000 miles away.”
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May 6, 2019. 4:58 PM.
“When you leave someone like me too long with her thoughts, it’s disastrous.”
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May 13, 2019. 5:23 PM.
“How do I miss someone I’ve never even met.”
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May 28, 2019. 11:35 PM.
“For the first time in months, I’m crying from happiness.”
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May 30, 2019. 12:41 AM.
(Music is My Love by Claire M Singer)
“I’m always scared to get comfortable because then they leave and I’m left to pick up the pieces.”
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June 2, 2019. 9:52 PM.
“I’m a burden. Please stop reminding me.”
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June 23, 2019. 8:42 PM.
(Music is I’ll Still Have Me by Cyn)
“Her name is _________. I’ve already fucked it up.”
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August 10, 2019. 9:58 PM.
“I wish I didn’t cause you pain. I wish I was a better person. I’m sorry.”
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August 14, 2019. 2:41 PM.
August 16, 2019. 2:09 AM.
“ ‘I’m in the weeds, but I can get myself out.’ - Bernadette Fox.”
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August 18, 2019. 10:23 PM.
(Music is Where’d You Go, Bernadette by Graham Reynolds)
“This feels like the worst breakup I’ve ever been through and we weren’t even together. I can’t think of anyone else. All I want is her.”
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August 31, 2019. 5:14 PM.
“She told me she loved my today.
And the stars are going to shine a little brighter.”
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September 2, 2019. 6:53 PM.
“Trust the process. Things will get better.”
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September 5, 2019. 3:13 PM.
Self-portraits circa 2020. A year of isolation, fear, self discovery, and new beginnings.
