With some of my work, I prefer not to explain where it comes from or where I got the inspiration. My work is very personal to me, and sometimes I don't want anyone to know what's really going through my head. I'm not trying to be mysterious, but I'm trying to keep my emotions safe, which has been an overarching theme of my life for the past year: feeling emotionally secure.
However, with some images, I do want to explain and express what was happening when I wrote or photographed something. I don't think it necessarily adds to the meaning of the work, and I'm totally fine with someone coming up with their own conclusions when they see my images. And for those of you who want to come up with their own stories for my images, you can stop reading now. Thank you for enjoying my work. But for those who care and for those images I'm willing to explain, I hope this blog will give you a glimpse into what my brain looked like during that time.
I had just been "broken up" with, although it was never a committed relationship. Unfortunately, I have learned that situationships are all too common in your twenties, and they can be worse than the end of an actual committed relationship. I won't lie to you, they suck. But I have learned and grown from every single one, and I do not regret any of them.
A few months prior, an actual two-year committed relationship crumbled apart. To be fair, it had been falling apart for a long time. I was still healing from that experience (and still am, even now, over a year later... unlearning damaging thoughts and patterns does not happen overnight). I entered into this situationship and totally fell head over heels. It was so nice to be treated the way I wanted to be treated for so long. It was to the point I genuinely thought this was the person I was going to marry. (To any young twenty-somethings reading this, I hope you take this to heart: just because someone treats you well and seems like everything you could ever want, that doesn't necessarily mean they're right for you. I don’t believe in one single soulmate anymore. If anything, I believe we can have multiple soulmates in our lifetimes, romantic and platonic).
However, this was also when my extreme exhaustion was at its worst. It got to the point where I needed a sleep study done to make sure there wasn't anything else seriously wrong. After a $1,000 sleep study, the hundredth doctor told me, "Yeah, there is nothing wrong with you." That's why what I'm about to tell you still makes me a little upset.
To do the sleep study, I had to wean off my antidepressants for two weeks to get an "accurate" reading. With the help of my psychiatrist, we made a plan to do that. But let me tell you, it was absolute hell. Not only had I just been sort of kind of broken up with (which was honestly worse than the breakup of my two-year relationship... funny how that works), but I was having major withdrawal symptoms from Celexa. I felt absolutely insane. It was the lowest I had felt in a long time. If anything, that experience made me come to terms with the fact that I will always need to be on some sort of antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. However, I at the time still had a lot of big feelings about that. (YOU ARE NOT WEAK FOR NEEDING MEDICATION. If you can’t make your own serotonin, store bought is fine.)
I now believe that my extreme exhaustion during that time was due to being in a constant state of fight or flight for probably half of the two-year relationship I was in. I do not view this person as a villain in my story, nor do I see myself as a martyr. I am not trying to paint this person in a bad light. We were extremely bad for each other, something I did not realize until my physical health was affected. Being in fight or flight for an extended period of time takes a toll on you not only mentally but physically. It was also probably not very nice for the person I dated after to have someone who was constantly exhausted and still learning how to be healthy in a relationship. In retrospect, I made poor choices all around.
Although I still feel tired more often than not, I have regained energy and am thankful for that. It's important to remember that healing isn't linear; it is extremely messy. For me, the notes app on my phone became a metaphorical place to scream.
What do I hope to achieve through all of this? Am I just screaming into the void? Perhaps. Originally when I started making art on my mental illness and emotional state, I just wanted to be heard, to be seen. But now, I realize that it's much more than that. Not only does it help me work through and let go of some really tough shit, but I also hope that some young twenty-something out there can see it and think, "Thank god, it's not just me." Because it's not just you, young 21-year-old who may be reading this. Your twenties are tough as hell, but you will experience so much growth, learning, and discovery during this time. And when you're 28, two years to thirty, you'll look back at 21-year-old you and see a totally different person, and you’ll like who you see.